China Sets Up Designated “Protest Zones” for Beijing Olympics

“We are open to criticism,” Olympics Chairman Wen Zi-Chang told a hastily arranged Beijing news conference. “We want the world to know that modern China is about tolerance of diverging opinions.”

Mr. Wen today announced that specially designated “Protest Zones” were being created in order to allow “a full spectrum of points of view” during the 2008 Summer Games.

“Not everyone in China agrees with the government,” Mr. Wen said. “The Protest Zones will allow individuals and groups to express their opinions without fear of reprisal.”

Asked by reporters whether the Protest Zones will be located close to Olympic venues, Mr. Wen shook his head. “Every square meter of Beijing is already spoken for,” he said apologetically. “So we had to look to some outlying areas.”

Protest Zone Number One, Mr. Wen said, is located “in a field approximately 300 miles southwest of Beijing. It is surrounded by one of our largest nuclear waste dumps, but our toxicology experts say that chances of being contaminated by radiation are extremely low, unless one stays there for more than 30 minutes.”

Protest Zone Number Two, Mr. Wen indicated, is located “in a wild animal preserve approximately 550 miles from Beijing. The chances of being torn apart by wild boars, cheetahs, or lions is minimal, as long as one does not carry food on one’s person or wear scent.”

Protest Zone Number Three, Mr. Wen noted, is located “on a People’s Army base in Ulan Batur, Mongolia, approximately 725 miles northwest of the Olympic Games. Many of the soldiers and officers at the base are open to the concept of free speech. Some of the soldiers would not be likely to shoot protestors on sight.”

“Our main goal,” Mr. Wen explained, “is to avoid another Tiananmen Square massacre. So we intend to have our massacres take place outside of Beijing. Did I mention that media are not permitted in the Protest Zones? We don’t want video of protestors being contaminated by toxic waste, torn apart by wild animals, or senselessly slaughtered by angry Mongolian soldiers. It would ruin the spirit of harmony, peace and understanding that the Beijing Games are all about.”