McCain: Obama Hates Puppies

Republican presumptive Presidential candidate John McCain continued his personal attacks on Democratic presumptive Presidential candidate Barack Obama, claiming that Sen. Obama “hates puppies” and would not pet one even if asked by a small child.

“America is too great a nation to be led by a puppy-hater,” Sen. McCain told a hastily assembled Urbana, Illinois press conference. “A man who hates puppies clearly lacks the sensitivity to lead America in troubled times like these.”

Sen. McCain’s campaign earlier had released a TV ad comparing Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, claiming that the Senator was a celebrity without substance. The new puppy-hating charges topped the list of other claims Sen. McCain made in the news conference, hoping to reframe the debate about his youthful, handsome Democratic challenger.

“Senator Obama doesn’t like apple pie,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “He prefers foreign-sounding desserts like crème brulee or torta d’ricotta. Where are his American values? What’s wrong with a nice slice of warm apple pie with a little vanilla ice cream on top?”

“And the Senator doesn’t like baseball, football, basketball, or even hockey,” McCain added. “I don’t think he even likes NASCAR. Or pork rinds. Or Fritos. Or gimme caps. He doesn’t even like thrillers or romantic comedies or the Discovery Channel. I mean, who is this guy?”

When asked by reporters whether the McCain campaign’s frivolous charges against Sen. Obama were meant to distract whatever aspects of the American public still paying attention to McCain’s increasingly irrelevant campaign, the Senator offered a terse “No comment.”