A-Rod Converts to Orthodox Judaism; Madonna Says “He’s Gone Too Far”

Hoping to please the Kaballah-studying superstar Madonna, divorcing Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez has converted to Orthodox Judaism and is studying Jewish law in an unnamed Brooklyn rabbinical school.

“He’s gone too far,” the despondent singer told reporters at a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference. “I just wanted him to get into the mystical side of Judaism. But he’s such a ‘swing for the fences’ kind of guy, he couldn’t hold back. He’s converting, and he’s going for ordination as an Orthodox rabbi.”

Rodriguez, on the disabled list for the first time in eight years, told the Yankees he suffered a “groin injury.” Madonna told reporters that the mysterious “groin injury” is actually a result of an aspect of his conversion to Judaism.

“He’s healing nicely,” she said. “The only problem is that now that he’s Orthodox, he’s won’t be alone with me in a confined space anymore. But that’s A-Rod for you. He never does anything by half.”

Madonna said that Rodriguez will no longer participate in games or team travel that take place on the Jewish Sabbath or during the High Holidays.

“Reggie Jackson was Mr. October,” Madonna said. “I guess A-Rod, or Adon ben Reuven, as he now calls himself, will be Mr. Tishrei [a reference to the Hebrew month that usually begins in early fall].”

Madonna told reporters that Rodriguez, whose rabbinical studies will be complete in the year 2010, expects her to comply with Jewish law and not perform concerts on Friday nights or Saturdays.

“Why couldn’t he have just been satisfied with our little Friday night dinners,” the singer asked plaintively, “a few bottles of Kaballah water, some blessings and meditation, and then some monkey-style sex? I mean, it was good enough for Jose Canseco, wasn’t it?”