CIA Admits Outsourcing Intelligence Functions To Domino's Pizza

The Director of Central Intelligence today admitted a hastily assembled Langley, Virginia news conference that the CIA had outsourced more than $3 billion of its budget for gathering national security intelligence to the parent company that controls Domino's Pizza.

"Terrorists love pepperoni," Michael V. Hayden told reporters. "Especially when they're about to attack something. And who'd ever think a pizza guy was wired for sound, with a camera in his backwards-facing baseball cap?"

Hayden was responding to reports that 70% of the entire U.S. intelligence budget has been outsourced to private companies in the years since 9/11, and that the entire U.S. intelligence community was serving as a "training service" for employees who left to make more money in the private sector.

"We're actually trying to be frugal," Hayden insisted. "You get a company like Booz Allen and you're paying out millions of dollars a year for spying services. We get Domino's Pizza delivery guys providing valuable intel for just $11 an hour, plus tips. And unlike your typical James Bond-type spy, who drives expensive sports cars, these people bring their own Toyota Corollas and Honda Fits. We don't even pay for gas."

Asked whether national security was being jeopardized, due to the overwhelming outsourcing of intelligence gathering, analysis, and even torturing of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and the infamous Abu Gharib prison in Iraq, Hayden said, "We can't spy if we can't buy."

Hayden told reporters, "Look. In a perfect world, the U.S. government does its own spying. But in an even more perfect world, we catch the guys who did 9/11 even before they struck. I've got one question for people who criticize the outsourcing of intelligence: Do you really want your country's spying done by the same kind of bureaucrats who run the Postal Service? If that's how you feel, then you can kiss the Golden Gate Bridge, the Internet, Kennedy Airport, and your own ass goodbye."