Charlie Crist Engaged; Also Cleans Out Garage and Gets Rid of Dirty Magazines

Florida Governor Charlie Crist angrily denied rumors that he had become engaged just to be more acceptable as a potential Republican Vice Presidential candidate, at a hastily arranged Tallahassee news conference.

He also angrily denied having cleaned out his garage, cancelling his subscription to Penthouse, getting a bikini wax, quitting the Tallahassee swingers club "Manhole" and hiring a team of teenage Internet experts to expunge from Google all information about his political record and personal life.

"I resent the idea that people think I'm changing my lifestyle or getting married just because I want to be Vice President," Crist told reporters. "My fiancee and I are marrying out of true love."

Governor Crist's fiancee, who decided to move to the United States from the Ukraine "approximately eleven hours ago," according to Crist, speaks no English and reportedly only met Crist after he downloaded multiple photographs and videos of her from an Internet website he accessed at a Kinko's near the Governor's Mansion in Tallahassee.

"I believe in love at first sight," Crist told reporters. "Svetlana and I have not known each other very long. In fact, we don't know each other at all. But she is the woman of my dreams, and the fact that her semi-nude photos have been downloaded from the Internet at the rate of approximately 10,000 times an hour in no way diminish my love and respect for her."

Political observers had angered Crist by commenting that the 51-year-old bachelor would have an easier time gaining the Vice Presidential spot on the Republican ticket if he were married.

Crist suggested that the allegation that he was "turning his entire life upside down, just for the sake of poll numbers," in the words of one expert, were "total poppycock."

"Svetlana is clearly a good Christian woman," Crist said, "despite her past as photography model and escort for important and wealthy Russian businessmen and leading Russian politicians. In fact, I see that past as a plus, as she will be able to provide the McCain administration with valuable insights into the private lives of Russian leaders. She's kind of a walking Rolodex of the Kremlin, if you catch my drift."

When asked how he could be so certain that Svetlana would be the ideal mate for a sitting Governor and potential Vice Presidential candidate, even though they had yet to meet face-to-face, due to a delay in her connecting flight from Kiev to Moscow, Crist told reporters, "It's what my grandmother used to tell me: be optimistic. Love will come."