Sheriff Andy today informed by phone a hastily assembled Mayberry news conference that he had entered an undisclosed Arizona rehab facility for treatment related to an addiction to Internet porn.
"I just had too much time by myself in the jail area," a chastened Sheriff Andy said. "Ever since we got the wireless Internet thing put in there, I've been downloading hardcore stuff faster than two shakes of a lamb's tail. Actually, I got some good stuff with a gal and a lamb, but I don't want to talk about it."
Sheriff Andy explained that an intervention, led by Aunt Bee, led to the shattering of his denial of the effect of his porn habit on the community. "She explained to me that they could hear the moanin' and groanin' all the way clear over by the fishin' hole."
"Opey got pretty caught up in it, too," Sheriff Andy told reporters. "You should see his fingers fly over the keyboard. He knows some websites from places like Norway and such. I never even wanted to leave the jail."
Sheriff Andy said that he might never have been caught, but when Goober Pyle had gotten caught blowing a .189 and spent the night in the drunk tank, "he couldn't sleep a lick because I had the computer on 'til five a.m."
The hardest part of the whole thing, Sheriff Andy said, was "tellling Helen what all I was looking at. Turns out she checked my hard drive every night just to see what I was downloading. She already knew."
Rehab is expected to last 30 days, Sheriff Andy said, after which he intends to make public service announcements, warning young people of the dangers of Internet porn, together with rap artist R. Kelly.
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