Queen Elizabeth, “Not Amused,” Strips Mugabe of Knighthood

Telling reporters at a hastily assembled Windsor Castle news conference, “We are not amused,” Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain formally stripped Sir Robert Mugabe, dictator of Zimbabwe, of his honorary knighthood.

“He is no longer Sir Robert,” the Queen said. “From now on, he shall be addressed solely as Bob.”

Mugabe, 84, has been accused of fomenting violence against his opponent’s presidential campaign in the upcoming national election in Zimbabwe. Outside observers estimate that 250,000 people have died due to his direct order.

“A quarter of a million of your own citizens is the threshold at which we revoke honorary knighthoods,” the Queen explained. “Nikolae Ceausesku of Romania was stripped of his knighthood at 250,000 as well. Bob Mugabe should have paid stricter attention. Now he isn’t a honorary knight anymore.”

Honorary knights are entitled to various perquisites under the British royal system, including the right to petition the Queen with grievances, a 10 percent discount on all purchases at Harrod’s, a free shrimp salad appetizer at the dining room at the House of Lords, and having the middle seat blocked while flying coach on British Airways.

“Sorry, Bob,” the Queen told reporters. “Rules are rules.”

Many political commentators have long wondered why Mugabe, a conquering hero turned bloodthirsty despot, was allowed to retain his honorary knighthood for so long. This was the first time that the Queen had explained the existence of a quota of citizens killed that would trigger the loss of the honorary status.

“We are all very pleased with the British government’s action,” a Zimbabwe resident told a reporter for the Dissociated Press. “Perhaps it will lead to permanent change in our beleaguered nation. Um, are you going to finish that sandwich you’ve got there?”

“The leaders of Haiti are only 37, 213 deaths away from losing their VIP Passes to the British Open,” the Queen said sternly. “And the people running Uzbekistan are only 42,843 civilian deaths away from losing their box at the Royal Opera. So now they can’t all say they haven’t been warned.”