Alarmed that Tiger Woods' superiority is leading to a drop in TV ratings, PGA spokesman Buzz Flynn told a hastily assembled San Diego, California news conference that, starting in the U.S. Open's final round, Tiger Woods would spot all other golfers two strokes a hole in order to keep the tournament interesting.
"Woods is awesome," Flynn told reporters, "but if he's on his game, he just keeps on winning everything. This way the other golfers will still have a chance."
Other changes to level the playing field, to be adopted at all tournaments in which Woods plays, include the following:
--Equipping the gallery with "thundersticks" which they will be allowed to bang together whenever Woods is driving or putting.
--Permitting cell phone calls and photography during Woods' backswing.
--Permitting the yelling of "You da man!" and "In the hole!" while Tiger is still taking a practice swing or bringing the clubface level with the ball.
--Allowing spectators who come upon Woods' ball, after his drives, to stamp it into the ground or throw it into the rough, to give him a tougher lie.
"We're sorry it's come to this," Flynn admitted. "But there's so much money to be won by players who simply come in tenth or fifteenth in tournaments that they have no impetus to try to win. These new innovations will make golf more fan-friendly and should increase the competitive nature of the game."
Woods, reached by cellphone on the 17th green of the third round of the tournament, told the Dissociated Press that "I can live with the changes, as long as golf's honorable traditions, and my endorsement money, are unaffected."
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