Whitehall: Martha Stewart Banned From Britain Over "Differences in Taste," Not Criminal Record

American lifestyle guru Martha Stewart was denied entry into Great Britain not because of her 2004 felony conviction but because of "differences in taste," according to Sir Horace Danforth, Britain's Minister of Justice, who spoke at a hastily assembled news conference in London.

"Ms. Stewart's criminal past offers no justification for a denial of a visa into Great Britain," Sir Horace told reporters. "The problem rather has to do with her personal taste as reflected in her television programmes, books, and magazine. She is distinctly un-British and we must strive to keep her brand of over-the-top lifestyle ideas out of our sovereign nation."

Sir Horace mentioned such Stewart concepts as Grilled Striped Bass with Corn-and-Clam-Chowder Sauce and Biscuits, Ruffle Tower Cake, and "stapling a great number of baskets to the kitchen ceiling to create a faux South of France appearance" as the sort of "American ideas that have no place in Britain's rich tradition of tasteless home design and barely edible food."

"If the Americans want to have all that delicious-looking food and attractive decor, that's their business," Sir Horace said. "There will always be an England, with inedible food served in unattractive surroundings."

"Many of us in this nation, especially on the Tory side, empathise with Ms. Stewart's rough handling by the American judicial system," he said. "As far as we can tell, she was punished not for an actual crime but for being somewhat egotistical in her self-presentation, which seems to be as American as Martha's own recipe for chocolate banana rhurbarb apple pie. But her values of nice homes and delicious recipes represent a threat to everything we fought for at the Dardanelles.

"We will fight you on the beaches," Sir Horace added, his voice rising and echoing throughout Whitehall. "We will fight you on the broad sunny uplands. You will never threaten our British way of life, which is all about mince pies, fish and chips, and bangers and mash, served in miserable surroundings and cooked by bored, underutilized chefs. That is our heritage, not your wedding door monograms.

"If we allow Martha Stewart into England," he concluded, exhausted, "who's next? Rachael Ray?"