O’Reilly Accidentally Tells Truth; Producer Scrambles For “Dump” Button

Bill O’Reilly, host of the “No Spin Zone” on Fox News, accidentally told the truth, sending his producer scrambling for the “Dump” button, according to Zem Wiskowsky, a spokesman for the network who addressed a hastily assembled New York news conference.

“Candidly, I have no interest in politics,” O’Reilly told a listener, who was complimenting him on the wide array and high quality of items for sale at the online store at O’Reilly’s website, www.BillOReilly.com.

“I have partial ownership of a factory in the Bac Giang province of Vietnam,” he admitted on the air, before his producer, out for a cup of coffee, could race back to the control booth to hit the “dump” button and keep further revelations off the air.

“The TV show and the radio show are both loss leaders for the crap on the website,” O’Reilly said. “It’s a lot harder to have a successful show than it is a successful website store if you’re famous enough. The whole business plan revolved around brokering time on enough radio stations and paying Fox enough money to put me on TV, so I could sell this junk to the American people. I’m a business guy, not a political commentator.”

A review of Mr. O’Reilly’s website revealed that visitors could purchase umbrellas, both standard size and golf-size; coffee mugs and travel mugs emblazoned with many different slogans; Mr. O’Reilly’s best selling books; pens and pen refills; lapel pins; subscriptions and gift certificates for regular and “premium” subscriptions (which include a free lapel pin, a 10 percent discount on all items on the Online Store, and daily podcasts); sweatshirts with various famous expressions of Mr. O’Reilly’s; varsity jackets; golf balls; polo shirts for men, women, and children; at least eight different designs of key chains; static window decals (also available for bulk purchases in quantities of 10); t-shirts; flag magnets; a wide variety of hats; and even two kinds of doormats for the home.

Mr. O’Reilly also told the listener that his books and his blog on politics, which include comments on international trade relations, were in fact written by a Vietnamese grad student at the University of California at Berkeley who is a “close relative” of the co-owner and general manager of Mr. O’Reilly’s factory in Vietnam.

"I'm in negotiations with my business partners," Mr. O"Reilly added, "to put my name on cookware, office furniture, drywall, instant popcorn, chocolate bars, Mother's Day cards, potpourri for the bathroom, basketball shoes, and a wide variety of other products for the office and the home. You can honestly think of me as a tall, balding Martha Stewart."

“Politics is poppycock,” O’Reilly concluded, just before his producer was finally able to get him off the air. “Cash is king.”