FDA: Ho Hos, Ding Dongs Only “Completely Safe” Foods

An FDA spokesperson told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that tomatos affected by salmonella were not the only potentially dangerous foods on the market today.

“We’ve tested everything,” Sharon Detweiler told reporters. “And the only foods that get 100% safety ratings are Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. We’re embarrassed that it’s come to this, but nothing else is even remotely healthy, for children or adults.”

Fish contain increasingly high levels of PCPs, mercury, and pollutants, Detweiler said. Chicken and poultry often contain disease due to the manner in which they are processed. Red meat contributes to high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Tap water, and even some forms of bottled water, contain traces of medications including estrogen replacement drugs and antidepressants, which do not wash out in the water purification process.

Chemicals, stabilizers, preservatives, food dye, pesticides, and other artificial ingredients were found in practically every packaged food, fruit, vegetable, and dairy product, Detweiler told reporters.

“If you want to eat something that is really free of anything harmful to your health,” Detweiler said, “the only things the U.S. government can wholeheartedly recommend are processed snack foods Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. They are free of harmful chemicals, pesticides, and pollutants. And they taste good, too.”

Asked whether the FDA was recommending a diet based primarily on these items, Detweiler said, “Yes, absolutely. And when Hostess comes out with its new line of organic Twinkies, things will be even better. Our new Food Pyramid features Ho Hos and Ding Dongs on top, Captain Crunch in the middle, and Pringles on the bottom.”

As for a link between increased obesity and the new recommended eating plan, Ms. Detweiler said, “Obesity is a small price to pay for freedom from all these dangerous additives."

Until the new Food Pyramid takes hold, Ms. Detweiler said, the FDA is recommending a new warning label on all food: “Eating is hazardous to your health.”