Mass. Pregnant Girls: “Who Knew Sex Made Babies?”

A spokes-teen for the group of 17 teenage girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts who allegedly entered into a “pregnancy pact” denied any such intention, at a hastily assembled news conference in Boston.

“We had no idea there was any connection between sex and pregnancy,” 17-year-old Randy Sanders told reporters. “Who knew sex made babies? We all must have missed Health class the day they talked about it.”

Sanders said that the girls did in fact have an agreement, but it was all about “getting guys to take us out for pizza and soda,” she insisted. “You ever been to Gloucester in the winter? Or in the summer, for that matter. Aside from walking the beach, what do you think there is to do here?”

Sanders also acknowledged that the entire group of girls had ditched school during the two weeks of the focus project on Self-Esteem. “We didn’t think it was that important,” she said, “or that there was a connection between how we felt about ourselves and what we would do for affection. Honestly, we just wanted some pizza and to get out of the house.”

Parents of the girls have variously blamed for the spate of pregnancies various causes including a movie called Juno, about unmarried teen pregnancy; the failure of the school system to explain the connection between sex and pregnancy on more than just one day, since some people inevitably miss school on any given day for various reasons; society as a whole; the TV show The Bachelor; the TV show Regis and Kelly; and Barbara Walters, for her recent revelations about extramarital affairs she conducted in the 1970s.

“Juno is a lame movie,” Sanders said dismissively, when asked about these possible reasons. “And none of us ever heard of that woman you’re talking about, Barbara Walters. And you can’t blame the schools for not teaching us enough about sex. I mean, all of our parents have HBO and Cinemax. And anyway, if they’re suddenly so concerned about premarital sex, how come they had all of us before they got married?”

“I guess we all feel as though we’ve learned a lesson,” Sanders admitted. “Sex makes babies. Who knew?”