Informing a hastily arranged Constantinople news conference that he was “sick to death of tolerance” and that it was “time for something proven to be effective,” former U.S. President Jimmy Carter announced a new direction in Middle East peacemaking, a plan to convert the entire region to his brand of Christianity.
“I’ve been praying and I’ve been building houses and I’ve been trying to convene men and women of good faith and I’ve been writing slightly hostile best selling books,” the former President said, “and where has it gotten me? Nowhere! I’ve had enough. I’m putting down the hammer of Habitats for Humanity and instead I’m picking up the cross and the sword.”
Forcible conversion, the ex-President argued, was “the only remaining means by which to effect a comprehensive Middle Eastern peace.”
“These people have been fighting since the time of God,” Carter explained. “I’m so sick of all them, of their religions, their un-American sounding names, and everything else. It’s time to try something new.”
Carter invited all “men of courage and understanding” to meet him in Constantinople on August 8, the day that the Summer Olympics open in Beijing.
“This is an ideal time to launch what I’m calling the Ex-President’s Crusade,” Carter explained. “The world will be focused on China, which I intend to convert after I finish the job in Israel and Egypt and those places. No one will even notice what I’m doing until the Crusade is victorious.”
Among the goals for the Ex-President’s Crusade, Carter said, are the forcible conversion of all people, the institution of a democratically elected pan-Middle Eastern government with President Carter as the democratically elected Leader For Life, the replacement of felafel and shwarma with hamburgers and fried chicken, the forced reading of all of the former President’s best selling books, and a pan-Middle Eastern bake sale to pay for the cost of the Crusade.
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