At a hastily assembled Milwaukee news conference, a dispirited Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, his Brewers cap pulled down low over his face and pounding his fist sadly into his Warren Spahn-autographed glove, announced that there would be no All-Star Game this year, due to a lack of All-Stars.
“No steroids, no superstars,” Selig complained. “I hope everybody’s happy now. Barry Bonds? Gone. Roger Clemens? Gone. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa? Gone. Jason Giambi? From Superman back to Clark Kent. We don’t have nine guys in either league anybody’s ever heard of.”
Selig admitted that the purge on performance-enhancing drugs ended up having a negative effect on the quality of the game.
“We were aiming for parity,” Selig admitted, “but we ended up with mediocrity. Only one major league team is winning more than 60 percent of its games. The Cubs. And I dare the average fan to name one member of that team. We’re charging major league prices for Double A baseball.”
“Who exactly is going to turn out for a White Sox-Devil Rays World Series?” Selig asked rhetorically. “OK, they’re the Rays now. That’s the problem with baseball today. Too many Angels, not enough Devils.”
Instead of an All-Star Weekend to commemorate the final season of Yankee Stadium, Major League Baseball will put on a basic skills clinic for major leaguers, teaching them to hit the cutoff man, lay down bunts, sacrifice a runner without worrying how it will affect their arbitration statistics, and run to first base after getting hit by a pitch without having a bench-clearing brawl.
“Where have you gone, Jose Canseco?” Selig concluded wistfully. “A nation turns its lonely eyes, and its unpierced buttocks, to you. Woo, woo, woo.”
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