CalTech Scientists Have Proof There's No Such Thing As Art Bell

A panel of eminent CalTech scientists told a hastily assembled Pasadena news conference that there is no scientific evidence to support the existence of rumored late night radio host Art Bell.

"Despite countless reported sightings," Ed Walters, a CalTech specialist in paranormal science, "Art Bell is no more real than Sasquach, space aliens, or the Loch Ness Monster."

Walters and two colleagues had called the news conference to announce the "definitive" findings of a six-year probe into the presumed existence of the legendary late-night broadcaster.

"People claim that his voice has been 'broadcast' over a medium called 'radio,'" Walters said. "I don't know where people get these ideas. And when economic times are hard, there are more claimings of Art Bell 'sightings' or 'hearings' than ever. The American public can be extremely gullible."

The most recent Art Bell sighting involved two Nevada women who claimed that Bell "beamed them up to the 'mother ship' for several days of sexual experimentation," Walters told reporters. "Further investigation that the person they thought was Art Bell was actually a retired Greyhound bus driver, and that the 'mother ship' was actually a double-wide trailer 62 miles outside of Reno."

"People, there's no such thing as Art Bell," Walters concluded. "I hate to burst your bubble. But despite all the descriptions we've received of a man with dark hair, grey at the temples, wearing big, aviator-like glasses, and possessing a rumbling basso profundo voice, Art Bell is just a figment of the collective imaagination.

"The more interesting question is why so many Americans need to believe in an Art Bell in the first place."