Obama, McCain to Decide Election In Ordeal By Combat

Citing diminishing interest in the Presidential election after many months of primary campaigning, spokespeople for Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain agreed to settle their competition for the Presidency by means of a medieval-style trial by ordeal.

"Both Senators will be armed with sword and shield," Dennis McDermott, a spokesman for Sen. McCain, told a hastily arranged Capitol Hill news conference. "They may wear linen and leather clothing. The rules require their head and feet to remain bare and their hands may be covered only with light gloves."

Alisa Viejo, a spokesperson for Obama, told the assembled reporters that the combatants would meet at dawn on July 4 on the Mall near the base of the Washington Monument.

"We think this is the fairest way to settle things," Ms. Viejo said. "We think the patience of the American people has worn thin. Frankly, this is going to be really cool."

The alternative, Mr. McDermott said, would be a traditional fall campaign that could cost upwards of $500 million in spending by the two campaigns, matched by an equal amount for coverage by the various news media.

Seats for the trial by ordeal will be available on Ticketmaster and at the Rayburn Building on Capitol Hill. The event will be carried live via pay-per-view with the revenue to help retire campaign debt of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"The American people have spoken," Ms. Viejo said. "They don't want the Electoral College. They want mixed martial arts. And we're just the people to provide it."