Republican presidential candidate John McCain today invited the late President John F. Kennedy to a series of debates, to be moderated by the late ABC newscaster Howard K. Smith, about the future of the Vietnam War.
McCain issued the surprising invitation at a hastily arranged news conference at Vanderberg Air Force Base on California’s Central Coast. He appeared to be slightly confused about his surroundings, repeatedly thanking his hosts at Van Buren Air Force Base, which does not exist.
“I challenge Senator Kennedy to a series of history-making debates,” McCain told reporters, “in which the American people can decide for themselves who has the best plan to win the Vietnam War.”
The debates would be history-making, in that President John F. Kennedy died in 1963, almost 45 years ago, a fact the Republican Senator appeared to have forgotten.
“Kennedy got us into this war,” McCain told surprised reporters. “I don’t believe he has the political courage to see it all the way through to the finish line. There are weapons of mass destruction, or at least a lot of, you know, machetes and stuff, somewhere between Hue and Danang. If UNICEF doesn’t have the guts to go after those weapons, then I do.”
A flustered aide hastened to the Senator’s side and whispered some information in his ear.
“I have just been informed of the tragic death of President Kennedy,” a suddenly ashen McCain told reporters. “I think this pushes the debate over Vietnam and its oil reserves to the sidelines.”
McCain called for a week of national mourning and said that he would personally call Pete Rozelle, the late commissioner of the National Football League, and ask that all of this week’s games be called off, even though the upcoming football season does not begin until late August.
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