Greenspan: Nation on "Brink" of Recession; Water "Wet," Oceans "Deep"

Former Fed Reserve Chair Alan Greenspan awoke today from a winter-long slumber, poked his head out of his Manhattan condo, saw the shadow of the nation “on the brink” of recession, and predicted two more years of economic crisis, at a hastily assembled New York news conference.

Greenspan surprised many economic observers, who already concluded that the United States had entered a recessionary phase, with his comment that we were not already in a recession.

“I’m very relieved to know that the loss of my job and the foreclosure of my home represents my own personal failure and not that of the nation,” Bob Jasper, a Florida resident, told the Dissociated Press. “I’m heartened by Mr. Greenspan’s remarks. Not to the point of irrational exuberance, but I definitely feel better.”

A spokesman for the Federal Reserve pointed out that the U.S. Treasury, depleted after having sent out “Recovery Checks” to millions of American taxpayers, “was down to its last eleven dollars.”

Apparently, American dollars have been flowing to Mexico in the form of cash remittances from guest workers, documented and otherwise; to China and other developing nations in trade imbalances; and to Europe, where the dollar bought increasingly few Euros.

“Any American with a dollar or two to spare is invited to send it to the Treasury,” the Federal Reserve spokesman said. “We have to meet our payroll and pay Congress on Thursday.”

In addition to helpfully pointing out the fact that America may be nearing a recession, Mr. Greenspan also told reporters that water was "wet" and that oceans were "deep."

Mr. Greenspan based his belief that America may be slipping into recession on his observations that his Manhattan condo, listed at $6.7 million, had only garnered offers of up to $5.3 million; that the public libraries were full of increasing numbers of “shiftless, idle working men,” and that it was easier than ever to get a parking space on Central Park West.