Gay People Turn Down Marriage After Just Two Weeks

“We had no idea,” gay rights activist and spokesman Tod Lupernach told a hastily assembled Bay Area press conference, confirming rumors that the entire gay/lesbian/transgender/whatever community had decided against seeking to solemnize their relationships through the concept of marriage.

“I mean, we’re grateful to the California Supreme Court for its courage and everything,” Lupernach said, “but we just didn’t realize how awful marriage really was. I mean, the constant fighting, negotiating, and bickering. No wonder married heterosexual people are just the most miserable people we’ve ever seen.”

The California Supreme Court recently rocked the nation with its bold decision to permit gay marriage in the state and gave counties just one month to rewrite marriage license documents in order to comply with its ruling. “Yeah, but…thanks but no thanks,” Lupernach said.

“On behalf of gays and lesbians everywhere,” Lupernach told reporters, “our hearts go out to the millions of married heterosexual Americans. We truly never understood the suffering that your sexual orientation and the nature of your committed relationships entails. We believe that the ruling permitting gay marriage, although not something we really want the slightest part of, will go a long way toward eradicating heterophobia among some of the less open-minded members of our community.”

Lupernach said that gays almost universally accepted the church doctrine of “hating the sin [of heterosexual marriage] and loving the sinners [married heterosexuals]. We believe that they are acting out of a misguided sense of a need to justify their sexuality as a lifestyle. We believe in choice. We just don’t think it’s the right choice for us.”

Lupernach said that he has seen stirrings of a “Miserable Rights” movement for married heterosexuals similar to the Gay Rights movement. “Maybe the court ruling will be their Stonewall.”