Whole Foods Announces New Tuna-Free Dolphin

Responding to shifting consumer tastes, Whole Foods announced the immediate availability of tuna-free dolphin at all of its stores, according to a corporate spokesman for the nationwide organic supermarket chain, speaking at a hastily arranged Berkeley, California news conference.

“The people have spoken,” Darren Paulsen, Vice President for Corporate Relations told reporters. “They want dolphin, and they want to make sure that no tuna gets caught in the nets. It’s the humane, Whole Foods approach.”

Traditionally, dolphin fishermen have inadvertently caught large amounts of tuna in their nets. The dolphin fishing industry has long been criticized by ecological groups for the harm it causes helpless tuna, by catching them in long trawling nets.

“Whole Foods is an industry leader in every aspect of the move toward cleaner, greener, local, and organic foods,” Paulsen said. “We are taking the lead by creating and signing onto a international tuna conservation agreement. Tuna are beautiful fish, never cause humans harm, and far too many of them are getting killed for no reason.”

Yellowfin tuna in the eastern Pacific Ocean associate with dolphins, perhaps to protect themselves from sharks. When fishermen see tuna in the water, they know that dolphins must be in the vicinity. This leads to the unnecessary death of tuna.

“Tuna share few characteristics with human beings,” Paulsen said. “They’re not especially warm and witty, they don’t mate for life, they have no love of good books and fine wines. They don’t really want to make a difference in the world. They aren’t especially involved with their children. They’re aren't great at crossword puzzles. They don’t smile and they don’t appear to be intelligent.

“But that doesn’t mean they deserve to die when we’re trying to get a nice dolphin for the dinner table, right?”