Sunday, June 15, 2008

eBay Offers Itself To Highest Bidder, on eBay

In a startling turn of events, eBay listed itself on eBay as an item that could be bid on and won in an online auction, eBay CEO Meg Whitman told a hastily assembled San Mateo, California news conference.

"We've been concerned for quite some time about the possibility of a hostile takeover," Whitman told financial reporters. "Due to the sluggish economy, revenue at the site is down 18 percent this year. We're vulnerable to someone like a Kirk Kerkorian or a Carl Icahn taking us over. We thought we'd be better off with someone who understands us, like someone who is already a member of the eBay community."

eBay started bidding for the entire company at $ .01, or one penny. Shipping charges within the United States vary by zip code, but the online calculator feature suggests that the entire site, including all of its corporate offices and networks of computer services, suggests that shipping and handling would run at least $1.5 billion.

So far, eleven bidders have taken the potential cost of the company to $725.49, which, according to Whitman, is "below the reserve price we set. We were hoping for something closer to forty to fifty billion dollars."

The "Buy It Now" feature on the listing offers eBay for immediate purchase at $17 billion, plus shipping charges.

"We figure that people will buy just about anything on our site," Whitman said, "regardless of whether it has any value or not. So we figured, that's the perfect demographic for trying to unload, I mean, sell, this company."

The auction concludes this Friday at 1:30 a.m., "when we get the largest number of drunken bidders," Whitman said. "But hey, read what it says on the site. A contract is a contract. You bid on eBay, you own it."

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