NASCAR Admits Using Holograms Of Race Cars to Save Fuel And Also Pistol-Whipping All Remaining Non-NASCAR Fans

Telling reporters that “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying,” NASCAR spokeswoman Dijon France admitted, at a hastily assembled Daytona Beach news conference, that NASCAR had been projecting holograms of race cars onto race tracks, in order to save fuel.

“The crashes are still real,” France said. “But the mind-numbing display of 30-plus race cars going in circles until people either crash or until the last lap of the race—those have in fact been holograms and not actual cars.”

Currently, NASCAR has been using the “Car of Tomorrow” or “CoT” in its races to standardize design and reduce costs. France revealed that the holograms of the vehicles, projected onto tracks by powerful laser beams, are known internally as “Car of the Day After Tomorrow” or “CoDaT”.

NASCAR’s broadcasting partners, ESPN-6 and the Speed Channel were unaware of the fraud perpetrated on the viewing public, France said, and she asked forgiveness from both of those organizations.

“There’s so much darn cheating by the drivers and their pit crews,” France pointed out. “We thought, why not us? With fuel costs the way they are, and our fans pretty much drunk or drugged out 50 laps into any given race, we figured no one would know.”

The hologram strategy was revealed after Talledaga Extra Wide Panty Liners 500 champion Casey Trueblood sprayed himself with milk after his victory and the milk appeared to vanish into thin air.

France also acknowledged that NASCAR had been caught pistol-whipping the few remaining non-NASCAR fans in the United States, most recently the entire graduate faculty of Harvard University, into becoming fans of the sport.

“We were debating the language of a non-binding resolution expressing our solidarity with the victims of Darfur,” said Vernon Gamidlean, Associate Professor of Sociobiology, “when suddenly the doors flew open and six men wearing jumpsuits covered with insignia of corporations offering items of popular appeal, like Budweiser and Nextel, came in and started screaming that if we didn’t promise to watch the race this Sunday at Darlington, wherever that might be, they would have our tenure removed from us. It wasn’t just cruel. It was diabolical.”

“We’re fittin’ to have a 100% fan base,” France said. “And we’re prepared to do whatever it takes to make that happen.”