Bush to ExxonMobil Execs: "Mission Accomplished!"

Clad in the traditional white overalls of a 1930s era gas station jockey, President George W. Bush addressed a hastily assembled audience of ExxonMobil executives on a drilling platform off Galvaston today, declaring gleefully, "Mission accomplished!"

"You asked for five dollar a gallon gas," the President said, "and this administration made that happen! Our opponents said it couldn't be done...and it is!"

Hailing the wildly cheering and shouting oil company executives as "Weapons of Mass Exploration," the President told them, "Some people say war is hell. I say, if it's good for the oil industry, it's good for America!"

"People say I'm stupid," the President added, in remarks not contained in the official advance version of his speech. Loud applause greeted the off the cuff remark, apparently to the surprise of the President. "But let me tell you something. You can't be stupid AND spend a trillion dollars for a war that helps nobody but the oil companies, right? Or can you? I'm not sure. I think I'm off track here.

"But now you've got Americans sick and tired of paying a sheik's ransom every time they go to fill their gas tank," the President said, returning to remarks contained in the official advance version of his speech. "But you know what? Now they'll be ready to have every nook and cranny of this great country, from Atlantic City, New Jersey to Anchorage, Alaska dug up and explored for oil! And that's what this war has been all about!"

"The beautiful thing," the President added, "is that people still think I started this war because I was tricked into it by the neocons! Hell, no! I didn't do it for Irving Kristol, Midge Decter and Norman Podhoretz! I did it for y'all!"

The President concluded his remarks to rousing applause by saying that "If you think this is a bad time to be a Shiite or a Taliban, it's an even worse time to be a caribou," another remark not contained in the official advance version of his speech.