A spokesman for the American Criminals Association today condemned the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision striking down gun control laws. ACA President Joe Avildson told a hastily assembled Leavenworth, Kansas news conference that the decision “puts at profound risk the nation’s criminals” and that his group would fight “to the last bad guy” to overturn the decision.
“Our work is dangerous enough as it is,” Avildson, currently incarcerated for a 1990s home invasion spree. “Think of what a mailman goes through, times a million. We’ve got to deal with vicious attack dogs, silent alarm systems, elderly widows armed with baseball bats…and now this?
“Gun control laws are the only way we have to level the playing field,” Avildson said. “If we go into a home just to steal some stuff, now we can be shot to death. It’s uncivilized, it’s uncouth, and it’s un-American. Whatever happened to the America I knew, before my most recent convictions for armed robbery and pistol-whipping some dude behind the counter in a 7-11?”
Avildson noted the Court’s sharp 5-4 division indicated “considerable sympathy for the rights of us bad guys. As it is, the cops have guns. The drug dealers on the streetcorners have guns. You let the people have guns, and you know what we home invaders become? An endangered species. Is that what America wants?”
According to its website, The ACA had immediately begun plans for a “Million Mugger March” on Washington. “We want all of our members who are either on parole or on the lam to join us. We’re the real losers here.”
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