An unnamed member of the Taliban today surrendered to American forces in Afghanistan, claiming that beheading enemies had given him a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
“You think it’s easy?” the defecting Taliban member said. “First you have to climb into a Toyota with your victim blindfolded and screaming for mercy. Then you enter a soccer stadium with 20,000 screaming people. Then he screams even louder when you start cutting his throat, and the people start screaming louder still when you parade around the soccer pitch, waving his head to the crowd.
“I’m just looking for a little peace and quiet in my life.”
When asked whether he felt remorse for the “upwards of 750” executions in which he admitted to have been involved, the unnamed Taliban member looked askance at reporters.
“They had it coming,” he said disgustedly. “They were enemies of the people. It’s not the beheadings that bother me. It’s the decibel level. As I said, I just want some peace and quiet from all that screaming. That’s why I admire America. Lethal injection—it’s as quiet as a reading room in a library. Perfect.”
A spokesman for U.S. forces told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference that this was the first example ever of a Taliban member defecting and claiming PTSD.
“We will evaluate his claim in an approach keeping with the Geneva Convention,” the spokesman told the Dissociated Press. “He’s real good with a scythe. He might have a future cutting sugar cane near Gitmo.”
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