Hillary Intends To Keep Nomination Fight Alive Through 2013

After losing key battles for Michigan and Florida delegates, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton vowed to keep her campaign for the 2008 nomination alive through at least Inauguration Day, 2013.

“The people have spoken,” Senator Clinton told a hastily assembled news conference in San Juan, Puerto Rico, home to the final delegate caucus this Saturday. “But the really important people like the superdelegates haven’t spoken, and they reflect the will of the regular people even more than the regular people themselves.”

The press conference in San Juan, slated to discuss issues related to economic recovery on the island, took on national significance when the Senator revealed her post-election plans.

“I will carry my campaign to the White House doorstep and live in a pup tent outside the Rose Garden,” Clinton told bewildered reporters. “I won’t be that much of a bother, and whoever wins, whether it’s McCain or that bastard who’s stealing my presidency from me, will hardly notice me.”

Clinton explained that if she did not spend the next four years in close physical proximity to the Oval Office, she would be disenfranchising the dozens of superdelegates who had not yet yielded to arguments of her superior political electability, bags of cash and cocaine, or physical threats from her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

“I didn’t put up with Monica just to get the Presidency of the Senate as a consolation prize,” Hillary told reporters. “If I can’t be in, or at least, near, the West Wing, I will be disenfranchising every person in America who hung in there with a philandering spouse for reasons of personal, political, or financial gain.”

In the event that Senator Clinton is evicted from the White House grounds, she said that given the $107 million she earned since the end of her husband’s Presidency, she might put in an offer to buy the White House from the Federal Government.

“If I can’t buy the election,” she replied in an answer to a reporter’s question, “I can always buy the building, can’t I? If I didn’t, I would be disenfranchising dozens of deca-millionaires who have their own dreams of buying parts of the federal government, and this is a step my conscience would never permit.”