Obama To Give Bill Clinton Special “Foreign Assignments” With Young, Slightly Overweight “Interns” During Fall Campaign

Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he “welcomes” the assistance of former President Bill Clinton on the campaign trail and had actually created a special role for the former Commander-in-Chief.

“I want Bill Clinton by my side throughout the campaign,” Obama said. “Okay, I mean that in a metaphorical sense. I actually have created special assignments for President Clinton that match most closely with his interests and experience.”

Senator Obama told reporters that he had “personally overseen” the crafting of a travel schedule that will take the former President across 47 countries “from Labor Day until Election Day.”

“I’m concerned,” Obama explained, “that foreign leaders will not be able to accept the idea of an American President like myself without assurances from a great leader like Bill Clinton that I can effectively represent the United States abroad. Many foreign leaders enjoy the game of golf as a means of taking the measure of their political allies.

“So I have asked President Clinton to visit as many as two golf courses per day around the world between now and the election, to determine which courses would be most appropriate for state visits and rounds of golf with my fellow world leaders.”

Senator Obama acknowledged the “potential loneliness” of such a demanding and time-consuming assignment, given the fact that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton would be dividing her time between her Senatorial duties and campaigning for the Obama ticket.

“I have personally selected a cadre of volunteer young women,” Obama said, “who will accompany the President on various legs of his travels this fall. They can truly be said to ‘look like America’—they are all highly intelligent, fairly pretty, and a little bit on the zoftig side. Our research indicates that these are the kinds of women who provide the former President with the highest comfort level.”

Some campaign observers had raised concerns that former President Clinton might be a distraction the campaign trail, given his propensity to arrive hours late for events, create controversy and “speak mainly about himself.”

“I believe my special mission for the former President,” Obama said, “will address his deepest needs…and mine.”