Bush Admits Defeat in Iraq, Seeks Reparations, Favorable Terms

“We lost,” a contrite President George W. Bush told reporters at a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference. “The war is over, and Iraq is victorious. Today we ask the Iraqi government, assuming there really is one, to deal kindly with our vanquished nation, provide reparations, and rebuild our infrastructure.”

President Bush outlined an approach he hoped the Iraqi government would take, based on the Marshall Plan that rebuilt Europe after World War II.

“First,” the President said, “we hope that Iraq, flush with oil money, will rebuild our nation’s inner cities, providing our citizens with safe streets, fine hospitals, and decent schools.

“Next,” he said, “we look to Iraq to protect our borders, so that we have a chance to rebuild our economy, now in tatters because of the high cost of gas, the mortgage crisis, and other reasons.

“Finally,” the President told reporters, “we hope that Iraq will be as gracious in victory as we are humble and contrite in defeat. We hope that Iraq will establish a Peace Corps and send volunteers into American neighborhoods to share with us the fundamentals of their successful society: religious intolerance, complete personal insecurity, and an electricity grid that operates for at least four hours a day.”

“We lost because we ignored the lessons of Vietnam,” the President said, which were, “Never get into a war with a country with less to lose than you have. I hope this is a lesson to future American Presidents. That is, if the leaders of Iraq ever let us have one.”