Report: Bush Begs Cheney For “Just One More Teensie, Weensie Little War”

Allegedly bored with combat he ordered in Iraq and Afghanistan, President George W. Bush got into a heated argument with Vice President Dick Cheney in which he demanded permission to enter the United States into “Just one more teensie, weensie little war,” according to individuals familiar with the matter.

“Pretty please with sugar on top?” Bush asked Cheney, who refused to look up from his computer screen, on which he was doing some important work, according to sources.

“Be your best friend,” Bush implored, but Cheney, sending important email messages to world leaders, failed to respond to the request of the Commander-in-Chief, who became increasingly upset, according to eyewitnesses.

“I’ll let you look at my baseball cards,” Bush promised, claiming to have a complete set of the 2003 Texas Rangers, but Cheney appeared unimpressed with the offer, according to those present.

“You suck,” the President finally told the Vice President, who responded by looking up from his computer screen, frowning deeply, and staring angrily at the leader of the Free World, according to people listening from outside the door in the hallway.

“I’ll let you have your teensie, weensie little war,” Cheney told the President, but not until you clean up the Oval Office, Iraq, Afghanistan, the high cost of gas, and the foreclosure crisis. Don’t you have enough toys to play with as it is?”, according to people listening secretly over a speakerphone.

“I don’t want another war after all,” said the twice-elected Republican President, sticking his hands in his pockets and staring unhappily at the floor. “I think I’ll just see what’s on TV,” he told the Vice President, according to people listening while lying inside a heating vent in the ceiling.

“Why don’t you just do that?” Vice President Cheney replied absentmindedly, while returning to the inbox on his computer screen, according to observers with binoculars trained in lip reading. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”